Moonin' Round Asia: The Tiger Told Me People Taste Like Chicken

We awoke Friday morning, not feeling the best after a long night of drinking Chang beers and saying goodbye to friends we'd met in Chiang Mai. We'd decided the night before that we'd be going to Tiger Kingdom Friday morning to pet a couple of tigers. I know how this sounds and trust me, it doesn't make any more sense when you're standing outside the cage of a 400 pound cat with teeth the size of my pinky fingers. We jumped on our scooter and drove about a half hour north into the outskirts of Chiang Mai. These scooters are genuinely growing on me and I'm strongly considering getting one when we return back to Philadelphia. I know I look goofier than a giraffe on a unicycle, but the thing is efficient, easy to maintain, gets excellent gas mileage and let's face it, I'm married and don't have anyone to impress other than Molly. But, that's not the point of this post.

We got up to Tiger Kingdom around 11:30am and got into the park. We stared at the numerous options available to us including 15 minutes in the cage of a newborn, youngest, medium or large tiger. Being extremists (and apparently dim witted), we opted for the newborns and the largest tigers. After thoroughly questioning our own sanity, we went in and headed towards the newborn den. Upon arrival we were instructed to wash our hands, which I'm certain was a measure taken to ensure our meat tasted optimal. We were then asked to take our shoes off and change in to what appeared to be sanitary slippers(of course, I was unable to fit into any of them). We walked in and were greeted by 3 baby tigers. These little fellers weren't really that little for being one month old. They were still roughly 2 feet in length (not considering the tail) and probably weighed a good twenty pounds. Instructions included no touching of the head or front paws, which I think is a training measure, and no licking or biting. After becoming fairly comfortable with these rules, I grabbed 2 of them and explained these guidelines in depth because it was completely evident that they weren’t listening, they were playing the whole time! Plus, I’m not going to be licking or biting them and I certainly don’t want them touching (eating) my face or hands. It was completely ineffectual… they couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t get any eye contact to know they were paying attention – it was an utter waste of 4 minutes of my 15. Molly was however, having a ball with one of them that insisted on sitting in her lap, walking up her body to get near her face and licking her boob. Obviously, neither of them were listening either. They were extremely cute, their fur felt about the same as a housecats and they were very playful. Right before we left I made a good friend in one of the little guys, at least I thought so until he tried to take a chunk out of my forearm. I stuck my finger in his ear as revenge which he didn’t like at all. Just kidding, but thinking back, that’a fixed him….

After leaving the baby’s cage we went over to the big tigers cage. There were 3 three hundred pound plus behemoths in there all under the age of 30 months. Apparently after that age they become strong and surly enough that it’s really not a good idea to be playing with/laying all over them. We got our briefing and went in, approaching these giant cats very slowly and cautiously. I was sure to keep a small Thai guy close by in the event that one of these things woke from a dream in which he was eating a good snack and was dead set on fulfilling that dream. I’d have no problem making this poor little guy a human shield. Since it was the middle of the day at this point and peak heat time, the tigers were nothing more than house cats who sleep all the time. We were told they’re very active and playful in the morning and at night, but the middle of the day is when they just kind of lay there. We got some great pictures, scratched a lot of bellies, got shown their monstrous teeth and left completely unscathed. It was an unbelievable experience and the pictures below should give you a good idea of how big these things were.

We boarded a minibus at around 5pm and took a 3 and ½ hour roller coaster ride to Pai, a smaller town northwest of Chiang Mai. ¾ of the trip was up a gigantic mountain that was by far the windiest road I’d ever been on. There were 3 people on the bus who were legitimate concerns to vomit. My concerns were confirmed when I looked down at my feet and realized the whole bus floor was made of rubber – easy to hose down. Apparently, these girls weren’t the first to feel a slight case of nausea. After reaching the apex of the mountain we started down the back side and saw one of the craziest things I’d ever seen – a wild herd of cows… lots of them. There they were, some standing, some laying, right there in the middle of the road. We saw about 4 herds of them on the way down and the bus driver didn’t even react, just drove around them. What are you doing here?! Why in a mountainous jungle? And furthermore, WHY on the road?! There’s nothing to eat here! You’re COWS, I know you can’t be cold and trying to use the pavement as a heat source, it’s like 65 degrees out! Unreal…

We made it to our hotel and checked in around 9pm. We grabbed some dinner and met a couple from Belgium that we had a few drinks with before calling it a night. I’m currently awaiting Sleeping Beauty’s awakening and will then go get a scooter, maybe take a ride to the hot springs and have a relaxing day. More to come soon, but check out these pictures: