Moonin' Round Asia: The Spiders Tried to Take Molly's Life, But Instead Settled for Our Bicycles

Well, strap in because we’ve got some time and miles to cover here. In our last installment we were getting ready to leave Chiang Mai after the tiger kingdom. We boarded a minibus that evening around 5pm headed towards Pai, Thailand. A minibus is essentially a large van, with less leg room and the maneuvering skills of a Six Flags roller coaster. 12 of us, plus a driver and some random woman whose job, as it appeared to me, was to make sure he didn’t fall asleep or overdose on meth amphetamines. The journey was initially quite nice – we had sunlight, read, drove through some rolling hills and saw some pretty countryside. Then hell’s minions were released as we approached an extremely large mountain that needed climbing. Prior to boarding the minibus, the girl at the front desk of our hotel warned us that we’d need to bring a few “sick bags” which loosely translated to American means “puke bags.” We headed the warning and brought a couple of extras, just in case. While no one got sick, numerous people came very close, including old pukey pants herself, Molly. It’s absolutely no exaggeration when I say that there was a 3 hour period where there were no straight aways longer than 100 feet and at least one 180 degree turn every 1000 feet. It was literally like being on the longest, slowest roller coaster you’ve ever boon on as we climbed this mountain. As we reached the crest, there was a sigh of relief over the whole bus, now travelling in the pitch black. That was until we began our descent. If you get motion sickness taking slow, very windy roads, you’re going to be in real trouble as you barrel down a mountain seemingly without breaks while dodging stray herds of wild cows just hanging out in the street. That’s right, you read that correctly, herds of wild cows laying, sleeping, and generally loitering the windy mountain roads. I guess that’s what you do as a stray cow on a Friday night, hang on pitch black mountain roads for thrills, dodging (but not really because none of them moved) cars.

We finally arrived, in regular Thai fashion, about an hour and a half later than we were supposed to and walked the streets until we found our hotel. The Thai woman at the front desk breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Ah, been wait for you, I want to go shake my butt at dance floor!” We unpacked, ventured out for a bit, met a couple of cool Belgian college kids and had some drinks. We called it a night relatively early, because all bars in Pai close by midnight. The next day was a pretty lazy one not comprised of much except some light exploring, which is very east due to the very small square mileage of Pai – we’re talking a grand total of maybe 8 square blocks surrounded by mountains and jungle. We did, however, decide to book a cooking school for the next day. Night time was very boring as we were once again got lucky enough to be in a new town as the elections were taking place and there was a mandatory shut down of all alcohol sales. Apparently there was also a brand new police chief in town, strictly enforcing the bar closing times. As explained by a random Irish girl, the newcomer was “going Rudy Giuliani style” on the town. We, instead, headed home to play rummy against one another while watching one, very fuzzy English channel on the TV.

We slept in Sunday and awoke in just enough time to make it to coffee and get to Thai cooking school, after renting another scooter. We had, by this time, decided that Pai was so incredibly small and so full of filthy hippies that it was time for us to depart. We purchased a minivan ticket out for Monday evening heading towards the Laos border. We arrived at cooking school just in time and met our fellow chefs, Ted from Florida and Waffle (not his real name) from Belgium. Our instructor arrived late and was eager to get started. That day we’d prepare 5 different dishes and gorge ourselves until we could no longer stand the thought of food. Our instructor initially just barked out orders of what to cut, when and in pieces about “this big.” She softened after a while as Waffle and Ted began to mildly poke fun with her. She had us chop and prepare the ingredients for mango sticky rice, cashew chicken, a curry dish, spring rolls and a pork dish with holy basil and fresh chili. Cooking was an awesome experience except when I accidentally sacrificed poor Molly’s leg skin when I stopped paying attention while flipping spring rolls in the boiling oil and splashed it on her. She took it like a champ while cursing like a sailor and the instructor quickly got some fresh aloe which seemed to alleviate the pain. After preparing and eating the pork, mango sticky rice and spring rolls we headed to the market where she’d teach us about local produce and how to select the best of the best. This was truly an awesome experience as we followed her and she had us taste test just about every fruit that Thailand has to offer. We also saw some pretty horrific things like live toads in a plastic bag ready for consumption, whole feathered chickens in a bag and numerous edible (I guess?) insects. After the market we made our curry dishes and cashew chicken, ate our final meals, received our cook books and parted for the evening. Once again, due to the elections, there was absolutely nothing to do that night. We went to sleep early knowing that we’d be leaving the next day for a long minivan ride (about 7 hours to the border) followed by a very short sleep and then 2 full days of slow boat down the Mekong River until we reached Luang Prabang, Laos.

Monday morning we packed our belongings, checked out of our hotel and decided that we’d take the scooter approximately 15km north to the natural hot springs in the mountains. It was a confusing journey as things are poorly marked and conspicuously marked in order to accidentally attract confused tourists like ourselves. We finally found it and made our way into the jungle to explore a bit. When someone says there’s a “hot spring,” my interpretation of this is that there’s fresh water coming out of the ground that’s going to be warmer than your average stream – maybe 90-100 degrees? We walked the trails into the jungle and came to the first series of pool where about 6 girls were wading around, thigh deep. We decided to continue walking and see where the trail took us. We ended up at the top next to a small sized pool of boiling (literally) water coming out of the ground. In addition to be absolutely sweltering just standing near it, it also had a very strong egg smell which as Molly explained, was sulfur. After a few jokes about it smelling better than waking up next to my lovely wife, we trekked back down to the wading pools – about 500 meters. I know, I know…. You don’t know how far 500 meters is, but you have to understand, they ONLY use the metric system around here. Just trust me, it’s not too far and not too short. When we got there, we decided to try our luck and quickly found that the water was so hot it was barely tolerable. We sat in this “mineral bath” for about 7 minutes before Molly declared herself medium well and ready to be served. Upon entering, Molly quickly alerted me to the fact that there was another VERY scary looking Thai arachnid that was also getting a hot bath in the springs. We showered off in the nearby bathrooms and headed back towards town for lunch and beers before getting on the minivan at 8.

Since it was only around 2pm at this point, Molly decided that she’d like some spa treatment and had me drop her off. I considered a massage, but the place she selected only had a man and his wife, both about 60 years old, working there. Since Molly had the woman doing her nails and such, I opted not to have the old, out of shape man rub me down. I instead tried to find a bar that was opened to grab a beer or two while I waited. This proved futile since no bar opens before 6pm. In addition, I was lucky enough to encounter my third 2 wheeled vehicle issue when the engine completely died and I had to push the scooter 6 blocks back to the place I rented it. Fortunately, I found a restaurant along the way with a proper liquor license that was willing to sell me a couple mixed drinks. I found Molly afterwards and we collected our belongings from the hotel, ate dinner and headed to the bus station.

Neither of us were really ready to get back on this roller coaster, but we didn’t have a choice, it’s really the only way out. We left at 8pm and reached our destination at 3am – the Thailand northernmost boarder of Laos along the Mekong River. Like cattle, we were prodded and shuffled into guesthouse rooms that were included in the price of our tickets. We were allowed to sleep until 7am when we’d be woken for breakfast before boarding a ferry (which was really just a large canoe) across the river to Laos where we’d get our visas, be graded on our meat quality (Molly was Grade A, I got put in the Taco Bell line) and wait for the departure of the 2 day “Slow Boat” journey down the river. We were also bamboozled into buying fluorescent green teddy bear cushions because we were told there were no seats on the boat, only wood floor. LIES. After imposing our will on the smaller, weaker Euro-hippie backpackers around us, we were first through the visa line and were up and waiting for the taxis to take us to the boat. A quick pickup truck ride later and we were at another checkpoint – a shop where you could buy all kinds of goodies for the boat ride. The shop proprietor asked us all to gather around the back of his restaurant, about 40 of us, so he could explain a few things. He started by telling us how important it is to him that we all enjoy ourselves because this area in particular thrives solely on the tourism the slow boat brings – if we go home and tell our friends not to take the 2 day slow boat, “isss very bad for me.” He then busted out his best worried dad voice and explained to us that while this day was bright and sunny, the following day was going to have all-day torrential downpour and that the mosquitoes on the river are VERY bad and we’re in a malaria zone. If any of us wanted to instead take a bus for 12 hours he was so gracious as to afford us this opportunity at no additional cost to us – in fact he’d even arrange it for us and drive us to the station! When about 14 people jumped on the opportunity, Molly and I began to become concerned that maybe we should as well. We decided to stick to our guns and boarded the boat about an hour later – armed with a cooler full of beers, sandwiches and a medicine bottle of rice rum (moonshine). It became clear immediately that our adopted

Laos

father had simply overbooked our boat and needed to get some people off of it in order to be able to fit everyone. The trip was actually beautiful on day one, though we were in an isle of 3 seats and the man paired with us was easily the largest on the boat. It was a little cramped and we had to pee every 15 minutes, but we made it through.

We arrived at the overnight stopover, very sweaty and very ready to get off the boat. Prior to arrival, I ran to the back of the boat, grabbed both or our huge backpacks, one on my back, one blocking my view of everything in front of me and we ran off of the boat. We’d read about a very nice hotel that was affordable but quite far from the pier. After a very rough prior night of only about 3 hours of sleep, we were willing to splurge a bit on nice accommodations. Splurging in Laos should be spending about 35 dollars, not $75, especially when the Lonely Planet book says the place costs $30. We walked all the way up there, drank a free glass of juice and then turned around and walked all the way back to the pier where we found a $5/night room with only a fan. We unloaded our belongings, were immediately offered opium and marijuana (refused) and then headed out for a quick bite before hitting the sack in preparation for another long day of travel. Neither of us imagine Laotian prison to be the country club that is the Baltimore clink. Since there were only about 3 restaurants in the whole area, the decision wasn’t tough. We found a place, ate and were then offered Laos wood whiskey, which is another huge bottle of whiskey with all kinds of random yard waste floating around in it. It tasted like mixture of gasoline, pungent urine and a nice chestnut fire. Molly refused and I was made to do a shot for her. I don’t think she appreciated the sacrifices I make as a newly wed husband but can only hope that one day she will. Drunken, sweaty and very odiferous we stumbled back to our sweat box for a rest before the next days adventure of torrential downpour and the undoubted deadly swarms of mosquitoes.

We had decided the night before that considering how packed our boat was on day one that we’d need to get to the boat before anyone else did to ensure optimal seating, ideally not next to an overweight, sweaty man. Though the boat was scheduled to leave at 9:30am (or about 10:45am southeast Asia time) we woke at 7am and got down there by 8:15am. Not surprisingly, we weren’t the only people thinking this way. We got there to an already half full boat but managed 2 awesome seats right in the middle of the boat. The first thing we noticed was that it strangely wasn’t raining at all as our adopted Laotian father had sworn. In fact, it was even brighter and sunnier than the previous day and as we sat, awaiting departure, we realized that there weren’t even any mosquitoes. Was it possible that this man had ulterior motives in trying to convince people to take the bus, perhaps a kickback from the bus company??? No, he wouldn’t lie to us! He must have just gotten his days mixed up!

Five minutes before we were about to depart it was clear that every seat and floor space was taken and we were missing many of the people we’d been talking to the previous day on the boat. They showed up late with an utter look of terror on their faces. They stood there on the river’s shore, staring at a jammed packed boat in disbelief at how they’d managed to land themselves in either the engine room or being towed behind the boat by a rope. Fortunately for the latecomers, a brilliant Kiwi negotiator took the reins as we sat comfortably watching the process. Then in addition, Irish Snookie began negotiations for another boat by loudly and obnoxiously proclaiming, “There’s no room on that boat and I paid for a seat!!!” The funny thing about Laotians is that they often can’t understand you when you speak in a normal manner, but when you get really upset, scream at inaudible decibels and wave your arms like you’re on fire, they ALWAYS get it. They clearly had no sympathy for Irish Snookie and eventually just walked away. That’s when the Kiwi Incredible Hulk took over (he actually looked like the Incredible Hulk). He started out with the “come on!” elbow jabs and then moved right into the old “here, let’s go look at which other boat we’re going to take” approach while dragging a man a quarter his size in tow. His persistence and ability to muzzle Irish Snookie eventually won out and they grabbed another boat, which the non-seated contingent of our boat decided to jump on. Not only did the Incredible Hulk negotiate this boat for about 30 people, but he also came back to help all the women carry their bags to the new boat. He was like Lennie, from Of Mice and Men, enormous with a heart of gold and the work ethic of a helper monkey.

The trip down the river on day 2 was even better than one day 1. Molly and I read almost the entire way, taking short breaks to speak to nearby passengers about their trips and to share travels tips. We arrived at our final destination Luang Prabang in north central Laos, ahead of schedule and walked the arduous 70 feet to our hotel. While beautiful and fun, it’d been a long trip and we were exhausted. After dinner we went back home for an early night.

Our first full day in Luang Prabang was filled with me acting like a little sissy. I slept like garbage despite being too tired to move and was woken at 6am by the construction right outside our window. I admittedly did a hefty amount of whining over the course of the day. We ate a late breakfast, decided to rent bikes and take a tour around the city to check out the temples and sites. Around 6pm we found ourselves a large bar on the river called “Utopia” that had a large pavilion with cushions, a volleyball court and numerous outside tables. Upon seeing the volleyball court, I knew I wouldn’t be able to convince Molly that I didn’t want to play. It was very hot and I’m very bad at volleyball. Considering my height, one might not think this, but I have the vertical leap of a quadriplegic and the timing of a fart in the middle of a church service. Everyone always looks to me to be great and I consistently disappoint. Nonetheless, I agreed to play largely because when she gets her mind set on something, you just can’t change it. We ended up winning 2 games to 1, but I paid for it dearly with about a gallon and a half of sweat. Afterwards, we partook in a large hookah with mint flavored tobacco which was delightful. For dinner, we decided to leave and had an excellent meal right up the street before heading back to Utopia for one drink before the 11:30pm mandatory close of all bars. It’s not that there’s nothing to do after 11:30pm, there is, but it requires taking a tuk-tuk to either the discothèque or the bowling alley – equally weird scenes. Couple that with a lack of rest and I wasn’t eager to take that step. We instead decided to ride our bikes back to the hotel for the night and get some good sleep.

Friday morning we missed breakfast yet again and instead decided to hit a local café highly recommended by the Lonely Planet book. Afterwards, we’d catch a tuk-tuk to the famous waterfalls about 30km north of Luang Prabang. We rode our bikes down there and had an amazing meal with service to match. As we were about to finish, a haze set in and the skies completely opened. It rained like I hadn’t seen in a while and there was no clearing in sight. Being that we were done with eating and that it’d likely be too messy to take the treacherous trip to the waterfalls, we had to fall back on Plan B – running down the street to buy beers and cards. I got back with 8 big Beer Laos’ and we quickly attracted a crowd. I’d like to think it was our glowing personalities and devilish good looks, but it was more likely the lure of free beer. We played a game of rummy and then learned an Irish game by the time the rain had stopped. We decided to just head back to the hotel to catch up on some emails and HBO before dinner.

After dinner which was particularly delicious, Molly’s stomach wasn’t feeling good and she was strongly questioning whether or not she even wanted to go out at all. This concern was likely strengthened after being trapped in the bathroom with an aggressive baseball sized furry brown spider. She came out terrified after the creature was scurried centimeters over her hand while trying to unlock the door. We decided to ride our bikes back to the area we’d been in the previous night, near Utopia, and have one beer and play a game of war with the cards. Ten minutes prior to close, a group of girls we knew showed up and coerced us into coming to the disco for just a couple beers. The only problem was the disco wasn’t bikeable and if we took the bikes home first, we’d have to pay for our own tuk-tuk and potentially never catch up with the group. We decided that since our bikes were locked together, we’d just pick them up after the disco.

We walked into quite a show at this place. It was pretty full – lots of tourists and an eerie number of locals as well. They only played Laos techno which is…. Interesting? Around 12:30am they turned on all the lights which was obviously just a ploy to get all the tourists to leave and let the Laotians really start their party. It was ok, I don’t think I wanted to see how they partied. When we got outside, the peer pressure was taken to a new level and they convinced us we just HAD to come to the bowling alley because it’s the best! Having a few drinks in us, we naturally agreed and collectively threw about 3 bowling balls. I spent the whole evening talking, as did Molly and we left in our own tuk-tuk at around 2:30am. We had him drive us back to our bikes. The only problem was there were no bikes. Apparently someone had thieved them right out from under the tree we locked them. We took the walk of shame home, for once me consoling Molly and telling her it wasn’t a big deal and we’d deal with it the next day.

Saturday morning we were awoken at 9am by a knocking at our door. Molly got up to answer it and was greeted by the Laotian man who had rented us the bicycles. He wanted them back, now. Molly said, “Uhhh, we don’t have them, they were stolen.” He was visibly shaken and told us to come down to his office. After dressing and trekking down there he informed us that we’d need to replace the bikes and it would cost 1.5 million kip. 8000 kip = $1, so we’re talking about $190. I responded with “absolutely not, I’ll call the police to report the bikes stolen.” He told us that the police won’t do anything for us as this happens all of time. After a minute of staring at one another I told him we were going to eat breakfast and would be back. We hadn’t even finished eating when he stalked us down at our hotel again, staring from across the street. Molly asked me to go take care of it since he was making her uncomfortable. He had my driver’s license plus a $30 deposit, which isn’t that big of a deal, but Molly was concerned the Laos police would be after us if we skipped out. I approached him, slowly and from the front as to not spook him, and told him that in addition to the $30 deposit I’d already given, I’d give him 500,000 more kip ($60ish). He immediately agreed and turned around and walked away. I guess I should have started lower.

After paying the scammer (we question whether he actually took the bikes himself in order to extort money out of us) we met a couple of new friends and jumped in a tuk-tuk to the waterfalls we’d missed the day prior. We took the bumpy 30km ride to a dirt road, through a small village and to a river. Once at the river we boarded a large canoe for a 5 minute river ride to the site of the waterfalls. We didn’t really know what to expect – huge gushing river or shower sized sprinkler. We were pleasantly surprised at what we found, as I’ve never seen anything like it before. It seemed to me that somehow, someone had diverted a large river and ran it straight through the jungle, all around the trees, over a number of layered rocks and right down into the main river. It was stunning and the water was crystal blue. The pictures below will speak for themselves. After a 2 hour swim we headed back home to pack our stuff, grab some food and board another bus headed south to Vang Vieng. Currently, we’re sitting on the bus on the way there. This is particularly exciting for us as our friends Jeff Evans and Mike Trentadue just flew into Bangkok and will be taking a train up to meet us. Monday morning we’ll be doing an all day tubing trip that’s world renowned. With this group of ramshackle knuckleheads, I’m SURE there’ll be some good stories and pictures to follow.