Moonin' Round Asia: Just Go To Your Happy Place...

Sunday morning, we woke up in Phi Phi and checked out of our hotel and caught the ferry to Phuket - the sex capital of Southeast Asia and maybe the world. That nickname made me giggle - I mean what could really be going on here that creates such a spectacle? We checked into an unreal hotel right in Patong Beach - the center of it all. The place is beautiful and has all the comforts of home. By this time, I was absolutely starving and if you know me well, becoming very cranky as a result. We got dressed and went out for a night on the town. If I thought Ko Samui was bad with being harassed by street vendors, I couldn't have possibly imagined how bad this would have been. You literally have to keep your head down and bring a boombox, tied around your neck, that's playing a constant loop of "No, thank you." Every 3 steps I'd hear from a small Thai woman, "Massaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaage?" I'd politely decline, dragging Molly in tow. 2 steps later, "Hey boss, remember me?! Hey buddy, you ready to get that suit now?" The worst part is they aren't at all shy about touching you either. As the walk continued, I grew hungrier and less patient with these animals until my responses turned from "No, thank you" to "NO!" We finally made it to the party street and were astonished by what we saw. Prostitution is abound as are ladyboys, Go Go Bars and menus that describe the sex shows they'll be performing in a given bar. These menu slingers are even more aggressive than the suit guys. They get right in your face, don't care if you're male or female, then backpedal walking with you as you continue to tell them no. The things on these menus.... I can't describe them in detail in a forum such as this. Suffice it to say it's some of the most twisted things one could ever imagine. I'm still not sure what a catfish show is, but I guarantee it's more vile than anything you could possibly concoct in your brain.

We finally settled on a very large club to grab some drinks, mostly because they were 50% off until happy hour ended, at midnight. In addition, no one was trying to perform sexual acts on or for us. We hung out there for a while and then decided to hit a small bar right on the street to watch the madness close up. What a bunch of freaks there are here. Everything and everyone walking around in all kinds of different states of consciousness. Wild.... We came home and hit the sack, relatively exhausted from the day's travels and adventures.

After awaking on Monday, we had a quiet day of napping and eating lunch. We tried to go to the Hard Rock because Molly desperately wanted a Hard Rock Phuket t-shirt. The first strike against the joint was that they wouldn't allow us to bring our water bottles in. Mind you, it's constantly about 100 degrees with 100% humidity here. It's sickeningly hot and I sweat like a 400 pound man wearing a ski parka. I CANNOT walk around without a water bottle. After agreeing to leave it outside we sat down in this monstrous crap hole only to realize that a cheeseburger was $21. I know Molly wanted to stay, but after doing the math she agreed with me that it completely wasn't worth it. We found a smaller place, had some savory pies and came home to prepare for dinner.

That night, I learned to compromise and we went to an Indian Restaurant (I don't like Indian but my beautiful wife does) for dinner. I don’t do curry, of any color and if you know Indian food, you know how difficult it is to find something without curry. I settled on the Butter Chicken, which was delightful until I got to the last few bites, at which point I was greeted by a giant black hair that the chef had gifted me. After dinner, Molly desperately wanted to go to see the Cabaret Show. I’d never been to a cabaret, and just thought it was a bunch of scantily clad women dancing and singing funny songs. I was partly right. This one was a bunch of scantily clad ladyboys lip singing and dancing around. The worst part is, that had you not told me beforehand that the performers were men, I would have only been able to pick out a handful of the 50+ that were clear cut dudes (at least from where we were sitting). To compound it all, they ALL had extensive plastic surgery including cheek implants, nose jobs, jaw work, hip implants and some of the most giant breast implants you’ve ever seen. My thought process went something like this…. “Oh god, where do I look!? I’m so uncomfortable… I don’t know what to do. Maybe that one’s really a girl and she’s one of the only ones. She’s, or he’s, so tiny, it can’t possibly be a guy. If I accidentally get a peak of those enormous mammaries, what does that say about me?! Good lord, I thought I had eradicated any doubts about my sexuality in the early years of high school, why did I agree to come to this!? Everything I’ve been taught all these years is now in question! I’m just going to look at the floor and pretend I’m at a football game. I wonder if they sell those beer helmets, that’ll make me masculine again.” Finally, the show ended and I think Molly could tell I was in a state of shock, panic and disgust. She grabbed my hand and escorted me outside where we were then met by a line of ladyboy performers all asking for pictures. These plastic beasts then hounded us for $ as soon as we took pictures – “Oh, you pay 100 baht each for picture!” Well, maybe that’s something you could have share with us before you screamed for us to take pictures with you!

We got back to our area and I then needed to drink those memories away. We found an outdoor little stand that sold drinks and forced games on it’s patrons. We played the ax game (which is a TERRIBLE idea for drunks) which consists of a large tree stump on a table, a nail and a hatchet. The idea is that you have to nail the nail in the wood using the skinny side of the hatchet. It’s a lot harder than it sounds and the loser gets ridiculed by all those who watch. Reluctantly, after ending this game, I agreed to a 3 way match of Jenga with Molly and the bar maid. Molly, being the friendlier and brighter of the two of us, strikes up a conversation with this woman. She asked how long she had been working at the bar, if she was married and what she did prior to working at the bar (just not quite like that – it wasn’t a barrage of questions). She comes to tell us that she’s been working at the bar for about a month and a half, she’s 32 years old and is unmarried. The next part went totally over my head as they also had international floor hockey playing on the flat screen behind the bar. I’m not a fan of international floor hockey, but similar to a mosquito, I am a fan of bright lights and sounds. If there’s a TV on, chances are you’ll lose me at some point. The woman then proceeds to tell Molly that she knows she doesn’t have the best body, noting how beautiful Molly is, but that she tries. Prior to working at the bar, she had worked “for a good man who took care of her on Bangla Road.” She made good money and was taken care of, but began to learn that young men were too rough and had too many women in one night. She still does it a couple of days per week, but now only sticks to the older men – you know 40-50. What do you say to that? I mean, really… “Ohhhh, well that’s good, 45 year olds are nice…” Thank god I didn’t hear what was going on as I don’t even know how I would have responded. We then went on playing Jenga like nothing had been said. Despite my shakes, I didn’t lose once.

We ended the night in a small bar where we spoke with a few 50 year old Europeans who had been living here for 20+ years. They gave us some good tips and ridiculed our plans to go to Chang Mai, saying that it was dirty, smelly and boring and tried to convince us to stay here. It partly worked, as we’re still here.

Tuesday, we hit the local mall (which is just as expensive as in the US) to get me a new electric head shaving razor. My mane ruined and broke the first one and my hair was getting to look like a helmet, so it was necessary. We cleaned up for dinner and went out for the best meal we’d had this whole time. Molly had a delicious shrimp dish with rice and a milky coconut soup. I had 3 King Prawns that were butterflied, breaded and drizzled with an orange sauce. I was in heaven. After dinner we played a lot of pool, walked Bangla Road, ogling the insanity and then headed home for the night knowing that we were checking out the next day.

We checked out this morning and walked what seemed to be 3 miles in circles looking for a smaller hotel we were told about that was about 40% of the price of the last one and “just as nice.” We finally got here, but it’s in the middle of no where and we’re now plotting our next move.

On a side note, we bought our plane tickets home via Air India. We leave Monday, August 15^th and get home Tuesday, August 16^th into Newark Airport. We won’t have a car there and need to get to Harrisburg, so if you’re free that day and would like to volunteer a ride, let us know! Come on, don’t all jump at once!

We’ll leave here soon and head to Chang Mai. I have no idea what the internet situation will be up there, so until I can find something, farewell!